amazingbrooke

I will lose weight.
I will walk to and from school once it starts and I get use to my schedule.
I will not eat snacks and junk food.
I will only eat 3 times a day.
I will eat smaller portions.
I will come home from school and go work out for at least an hour everyday.
I will look good in Kaleigh’s wedding.
I will get healthy so I can get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy.
I will wear a size 16.
I will feel better about myself.
I will only drink water.
I will lose at least 2 pounds a week, preferably 3.
I will look good for Darek.
I will tell Darek that I need him to make sure that I do this.
I will look good at my own wedding one day.
I will feel better about myself if cute clothes.
I will lose 75 pounds over the next year.
I will not get myself down when I don’t see instant results.
I will keep trying.
I will do this for myself.

So, I’m thinking that I want to take pictures out of magazines or off the internet of what I want to look like and making a little collage on the back of my door or something. Do you think that would be encouraging or depressing? I can’t decide if that’s a good idea or not. My boyfriend and I want to have a baby soooo bad. I’ve decided it’s best for me if I lose weight first. Yes, I know I would gain weight back while pregnant, but it would be worth it. Plus if I lose like 70 or 80 pounds, I wouldn’t gain that much back, right? Just like 30? I watch a lot of Discovery Health. That’s why I’ve decided it isn’t safe for me to be pregnant while I’m this heavy. Supposedly it’s dangerous for the mom and baby because of hypertension and stuff. And I want to have a somewhat cute pregnant stomach. That’s like my dream. But before I do this baby thing, I want to lose weight, like I said. This will also give me time to make sure that I want a baby so young and to make sure that I will have money to support it. So, pictures of what I want to look like: good or bad idea?

So I officially started my diet today. I already feel awesome. I haven’t really worked out because I forgot to get the pass to the exercise room from my boyfriend. I did take a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood and did 10 sit-ups. I know it’s not much, but at least it something. It’s already more than I usually do. I’m super excited about losing weight. I want to get down to at least 200 pounds to start off with. That means I have to lose 72 pounds. I will feel amazing if I can get down to that much. I know I can do this. I just have to keep telling myself that I can. It wouldn’t hurt for me to have some positive reinforcement. I would let my boyfriend help me and keep me on track, but he’s no good at that. He will support me, but it’s going to take my own will power to make sure that I eat healthy and exercise. I’m going to go to Wal-Mart later and get some healthier food. I need some fruit and veggies. And I’m going to get some of those Healthy Choice frozen dinners for me to have for lunch and/or dinner. I’m thinking maybe eating yogurt or fruit for breakfast. Maybe some healthy cereal. Then frozen dinner for lunch. And If I cook for my boyfriend and I, just make sure I eat small portions. I may have to make due this month with the food that I have and start this next month. We are kinda broke right now. I have $50 to mess around with. And my credit card if Darek agrees to let me spend more money on it. He pays my credit card bill since he works. I may go workout tonight when he gets back….like after we eat. Not sure yet. I’m going to weigh my self every week, and if I find that I’m losing a good amount a week, I may weigh like every other day or something. I’m just the kind of person that likes seeing results in everything. I can’t wait to see if I can lose weight this week. I will be super excited and it will be just the right kind of encouragement to keep me going.  And if you have any ideas on some good, cheap snacks or meals….please tell me. I’m not too good at this healthy food business. Although, I do like to eat almost anything. I love my fruits and veggies and all kinds off healthy stuff….just don’t buy it too often.

Food Log

Exercise Log

My whole life I’ve been over-weight. I wish I could do something about it. Sure I can exercise and eat healthier. But honestly…..I don’t eat too many things I shouldn’t. I don’t eat all day long. I eat as much as a normal person. I could exercise more….I have to admit that. I don’t ever exercise. But I was in the marching band for the past 4 years and we were outside 2 times a day for 1-2 hours constantly marching and running and walking. It was hard work. I don’t understand why God wants me to look this way. I have a pretty face and an ugly body. My face would be prettier if I had a body to go with it and I didn’t have a double chin. I just wish I could magically change my image. I wish guys would like me. I’ve had a boyfriend for the past 6 years….and he’s amazing. I want to look better for him and for myself. But getting the attention from other guys would be flattering. I’ve never experienced that. I feel that my weight is holding me back from doing a lot of things I want to do. I feel that if I lost weight, I wouldn’t be so shy. I would have more friends. I would have more opportunities in life. Maybe I would meet a different guy. Who know what could happen? I always see these pretty people around me and think about how wonderful it would be to look like them. To be able to wear clothes like them. Not just tee shirts and blue jeans. It’s hard to find pants that fit me the right way. It’s absolutely horrible. I’m one of the biggest people in my family….and I don’t understand why. I also think that my periods are irregular because of my weight. I go months and months without ever having a period. I want to have children soon, and I feel that it’s going to be impossible. If I can’t have kids of my own….I don’t know what I’ll do. My boyfriend and I try so hard to have a baby, but since my periods are so irregular….I never know when I’m ovulating. I want to be one of those people that look cute when they are pregnant. I know it’s not going to happen though. You probably won’t even to be able to tell I’m pregnant until I’m like 8 or 9 months along. I don’t know how to diet. I don’t know how to exercise. I don’t know what to do to help my situation. I need help. And it’s the most depressing thing about my life. I just don’t want to live anymore sometimes. I don’t want to die or anything. I just wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t the way I am. I wish I had been born differently. I wish I had a metabolism or whatever it takes for me to be at a healthy weight. I don’t have it in me. I weigh 270 lbs. I don’t look it, luckily. I definitely look like I weigh somewhere in the 200’s. But not nearly 300 lbs. I know it isn’t healthy for me. I know I need to change. I just need the encouragement and strength and help to do something about it. I need a friend to diet with. I need a friend to exercise with. Someone to help keep me on track. I don’t have anyone like that. I pray everyday that God will help me change and become more healthy. I pray to get a period. I pray to be healthy. But I get nothing. I don’t understand. Please help me.

So, I feel completely out of place everywhere I go. I’m going to college soon and I’m afraid of living with a complete stranger. I’m not the skinny popular girl that goes to clubs and has all of this fun. If I was skinny, I’d love it. My step-mom doesn’t help my situation. I think she is embarrassed of my weight. She has been telling me I’ve lost weight lately, but I honestly don’t think that I have. She tells me I shouldn’t eat past a certain time, and I shouldn’t eat dessert, and I should go walking at the track or go to her exercise class with her. I would love to do a lot of those things. But I don’t want to go with her because she will just put me down some more. I feel ugly and I know that being overweight isn’t healthy at all. I haven’t had a period in like 8 months. Not that yall need to know that, but it’s true. I haven’t seen a doctor, but I know for sure I’m not pregnant. I’m even afraid of going to the doctor about it. I can’t afford it myself, and I don’t want to tell my mom or step mom that. They would both automatically assume I was pregnant, even though I know that I’m not. It’s also just embarrassing in my opinion. I don’t know what to do. I just think that if I can lose weight, I would start having my periods again, and I would be a lot happier. I think about how ugly my body is everyday. I hate looking in the mirror. I almost hate being with my own friends. It’s getting to the point where I can’t stand it any more. I want to feel good about myself, and be more confident. I want to join a sorority, but I can’t. I know I won’t fit in. I don’t want to be in everyone else’s shadows. I want to lost weight and be normal. I just don’t know if I can do it.